Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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