So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize