it's too hot outside to masturbate.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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