Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
