"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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