Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Randomize
