drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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