i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
