how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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