You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
