I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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