I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
