That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
