my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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