FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
