someone threw a dead crab at me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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