By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
