Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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