Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
