I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
