If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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