she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
