I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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