so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
