I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
