Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
