What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
