My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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