I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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