he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
