I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
