She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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