1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
