My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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