i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
