I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So squirting runs in the family.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
