I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
