so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
