I skipped work to stalk him.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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