dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
