i was rollin on her like bob the builder
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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