so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Are these your boobs on my camera?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
