Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
