a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize