Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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