I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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