why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
