she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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