you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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