Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
