1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
