People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
