She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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