I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
