Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
