I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
