I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
