I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
