Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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