..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
