it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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