Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
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