If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
