i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
