Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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