Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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