I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
