How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
